Day 270

8th of September 2016

If the purpose of life is to create who you are, then you have to define who you are in relation to stuff. 

Starting with December 2009, you’ve had countless proofs that what you really want, you eventually acquire. Or feel. Or experience. There’s no doubt about that. But there’s a catch. It’s not enough to want it. You have to believe you can have it. Belief. The key to everything.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love this summer. And that was mainly because a lot of my goals were met and I was looking for a new cause. A new thing to improve in my life. And let’s admit it, in my love life there was always room for improvements. To use an euphemism. 

So I thought that I maybe want to get into a relationship. That maybe the key is not to move alone. But to move with someone. That it’s maybe time to settle down.  Settle, that’s a good word. 

I’ve always chosen the complicated relationships. The long distance. The incompatible. The unrequited. The painful ones. Because I always associated love with pain. And at some point, while listening to Delia in the beginning of the summer, I realised that I’ve had enough. That I want to break the pattern. That complicated relationships are fun. But only in the beginning. After a while they drain the life out of me and keep me from succeeding in other aspects of my life. Because there’s no energy left to pursue other goals. So I decided. I’m fucking breaking this pattern. Because I know I can.

But knowing is not enough. I need to believe it. I need to be convinced and fight for it. I need to not let anything disturb me in my belief. Not previous experiences, not current circumstances, not common beliefs, not societal norms. Nothing. 

And I don’t feel I have this belief yet. I’ve never had it. And as with everything else that comes counterintuitively, it needs a lot of effort to be implemented. It’s a full time job. It’s as big of a project as it was to change from being a pessimist to being an optimist. It took years and Sønderborg.

Probably to change this, it will take my own place. With my own space, where I can drift away, relax and meditate. It probably needs some professional success and a good deal of self confidence, self loving and sense of fulfillment. From that state, I imagine it can be much easier to start focusing on love again. It’s like all those control systems that need to be in place before implementing EVM – now that I’m in the middle of re-writing my thesis project proposal.

So I decided on my way to Svanemøllen today that I will just stop focusing on it for now. It’s not getting me anywhere. Actually, it takes me in the wrong direction. 

But it’s ok to admit that now it’s not a right time. I don’t have the resources. And it’s also a time when I really need to focus on school and work. The next 6 months are decisive. Can we please make sure we make the most out of the opportunities that have been given to us?

Yes, we can. Thanks. 

And if I am grateful for something, it’s that dancing naked in front of the mirror before coming here. As for the picture, let’s limit ourselves to the sea. The infinite sea.

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