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conversations with myself

mihaela hozmache

Month

January 2016

Day 52

31st of January 2016

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In trying to forget, I blocked all the good memories. And you from Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and any other social media I could. Now, that was all fine in the forgetting and getting over process. Because how else would I move on, right? But now that I’m over us, I’d like to look back and remember the good times. Here’s the catch. There are no memories of that. See above. And I found myself wondering why we were together in the first place.

And then it hit me. Because we loved each other. On and off. Fights and all. Different belief systems and all. I did go to freaking Kalithea for you, didn’t I?

I realised that I feel the same towards Sønderborg. And I don’t want that. I had great times in there. And I want to remember that. But most of the times I just can’t. And while it’s healthy to block memories when it hurts, I would very much like the unblock option, for when you just want to look back and say “Damn, those were some good times there!”. I believe we are the sum of our experiences. And I don’t want to forget who I am.

So today I’m grateful for remembering. Remembering that it was amazing. And I’ll do my best not to ever forget it again.

 

Day 51

30th of January 2016

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Champagne behind the wheel. Typical. And yes, I know it’s sparkling rose, but you know, things are what you make of them.

Day 50

29th of January 2016

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Vesterbro party. Greek music. Great people. Amazing. As always.

What is love?

29th of January 2016

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…Baby don’t hurt me… Haha. No. It has nothing to do with the song. I’m actually listening to some Spanish music right now.

I had a great evening with my roomates yesterday. Which made me realize that maybe I don’t really want to move after all. It was also the first time in a long time that I had time to just sit and talk, without being pressured by time. No homework, no going to work. Just a glass of wine and a nice conversation. In the kitchen. It reminded me of my kitchen in Romania. Iris can confirm that it is a corner of heaven that place.

What do girls talk about when they talk? Boys. Of course. It took us about 10 minutes to talk about jobs, to catch up with our professional lives. Haha. And then boys. Now, I’m not going to go into the details of our conversation, not to disclose any details about our love lives. But it got me thinking.

We always get what we want. We all agreed on that. But what is it that we want? What is it that I want? I wouldn’t say I’m not happy with my love life. I would, actually. But it wouldn’t be true. I had two great experiences since I moved to Copenhagen. Because, of course, life divides in before and after Copenhagen. Haha.

To some extent, I had exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. My problem is that I’m not sure I wanted what I really want. Does it make sense? I wanted to feel adored. I had that, it was amazing for exactly 5 minutes. After which I took it for granted. It bored me. It was easy and comfortable. But I wasn’t happy. Then I wanted excitement. Lust. And a person I can respect. I had that as well. But I wasn’t adored any more. And again, I wasn’t happy. Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the experiences. Both of them.

Now what? It’s a good time to search for a new experience. But what? Yes, yes, the answer is in the balance. That’s what they say. And I agree, in principle. But is that for me? Is it something that would make me happy? I’ve always liked extremes. I can fall in and out of love in an instance. Do I just want to be in love? Do I want stability? To be honest, for me this are opposites.

So now what? I have my dream job. I have great friends. I time for a social life. Even for a relationship. But do I want it? And if I want it, how should it be? I have no idea. And if you don’t know what you want, you’re only gonna get random experiences that won’t make you happy. Know what you want. Sure. But how? Make a list? A list of feelings you want to experience? That might be it. Still, I don’t know. Maybe I just need some time to figure it out.

What is love? Is it that excitement when you fall in love? Is it that feeling that the years will pass and you will fall out of love, but you will have a feeling of “I want that person to be happy. Not with me, but just happy”? Is it the daily routine of feeling comfortable with a person? I guess that if I figure that out, I’ll know what I want.

Until then, I’m gonna finish my wine and dress up for the party.

Day 49

28th of January 2016

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Here’s the deal. I got my dream job. And it’s beyond my wildest dreams. It’s exactly what I wanted in terms of learning and being surrounded by inspiring people. I feel fulfilled and it’s a great first step in my career. And of course I’m grateful for that. Novo actually lives by it’s values. I’m happy to be part of it.

But today is about something else. Today is about reaching goals. About getting where you wanted to be. I am where I kept wanting to be for the past year. My first reaction? Fear. Of the unknown. After that? A little bit of stress. After a while, today I can finally say that I felt happy for my accomplishment. I needed to get used to the new situation. I needed to adjust to the new status qvo.

It’s amazing how people can get lost in their own heads with their fears… So no, the feeling of getting what I wanted was not as I expected it to be in the beginning. Maybe that’s why I keep seeking what I can’t have, haha. But it was in the meeting with Robert today that it hit me. I realised. I was finally out of my head and into the business.

Note to self: You fucking did it, Creatzo!!! Do, by all means, enjoy it!

Day 48

27th of January 2016

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“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go. just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”

I was on the phone with my dad, when it hit me. I crossed that point. Ce-a fost greu a trecut. From now on, all the good stuff.

Day 47

26th of January 2016

One of those days where nothing special happened. All day inside. I did clean my room, though. And had time for all the little things I wouldn’t normally. That was nice.

Day 46

25th of January 2015

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First day at work. And my special blazer.

Day 45

24th of January 2016

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For Romeo Santos. And your smile.

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